


Need You Now

by Zoe13



Series: Need You Now [1]
Category: One Direction
Genre: M/M, near-suicide
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-05-06
Updated: 2013-05-06
Packaged: 2017-12-10 13:20:29
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,561
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/786472
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Zoe13/pseuds/Zoe13
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Zayn catches Niall writing suicide letters.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Need You Now

**Author's Note:**

> I was having another horrible day of wanting to go back, and this happened.  
> Xx Zoe

Even his razor didn't need him. And neither did the pills he was going to swallow soon. 

No one needed him. 

He hadn't done anything for anyone except sing, and that hardly saved anyone. Music had saved him and then Zayn had-  
But now Zayn was unknowingly crushing him. He'd never admit it, though. 

Zayn was his best friend. Sure, he could say the boys all were, but Zayn was just...more. He felt more and more deeply for him every day and it hurt. It only got worse as he and Zayn grew closer. Every touch felt like a burn, but in Niall's state it was wonderful, incredible pain. 

Like the slits from the razor or the bruises from his own hands. 

He sighed and ran a shaking hand through his hair. He couldn't tell Zayn because it would hurt him. He wasn't stupid, he knew the boys liked him- but they just didn't need him. It was silly, he knew- needing someone to need him the way he needed others. He was ridiculous and clingy and he knew that. 

Maybe it was selfish. He was beyond caring, though. They'd miss him, but they'd get over it because they didn't need him. 

'Liam-  
I'm sorry; no really, I am. I wasn't good to have around but music's all I can do. I guess I'm not good enough, you know?  
You'll be shaking your head, maybe even crying, but it'll pass. 

See, you don't need me. So thank you for caring and all that...  
You helped keep me around as long as I stayed.

-Nialler.'

He ran a shaking hand over his face, watching as the letters came out wobbly when he gripped the pen harder and harder.

'Haz and Lou-

I'm writing to you together because that's how I saw you even from the start. It's like you're one person that was split in half and then brought back together. Not that you're alike, but that you're whole. 

You need each other.

It sounds stupid, but I needed someone to need me and- well, no one did or will. See, I'm in love. Was in love, I suppose. Sounds okay, right? But this person...they're too perfect for me and, just like everyone else, they don't need me. I loved them for a while and it got worse and worse and I, well I can't do it anymore. I'm really sorry. I know you'll miss me, I know you didn't hate me, but I don't think you even needed me. So. This is me being happy. Please, don't be sad. Be happy with me that I'm at peace.

Love you guys so much.   
If you have a little Darcy some day...please. Give her a kiss from her Uncle Niall and tell her about me. I wish I could have seen her.

-Niall'

 

'Zayn-

I don't even know where to start. There's so much to say that I never had the courage to until now. 

Maybe you knew and maybe you didn't, but I'm not alright. See, even when I'm about to end it I can't say who I'm in love with. I'm just that weak, I guess. It's something no one has ever known and I suppose never will. 

Maybe someone will write a book about it someday and theorize. It would probably be ridiculous. 

Back on track, I guess you'll blame yourself. Don't think about ifs. Nothing could have saved me but that one person needing me and that was impossi'

"Niall?"

Niall jumped, pieces of paper flying everywhere. His heart sank and he lunged, grabbing at the loose leafs. Letters for his mum and dad and Greg and-

Shit. Zayn had leaned down and picked up Harry and Louis' letter. He grabbed the one for him and the one for Liam and frowned at the names at the top.

"Give those to me," Niall said, grabbing them and tugging. Zayn pulled back. Niall hid the pill bottle in his left hand.

"What are they?" Zayn pulled further and Niall's grip slipped. Zayn was eyeing him confusedly. 

He couldn't read them. If he did he'd stop Niall and they'd maybe even lock him up and he couldn't live like that.

His eyes widened as Zayn unfolded his.

"No!" Niall grabbed at it. Zayn looked up. 

"What is it, then?"

"I can't...I can't tell you."

"Niall. You've been off for months, down all the time and just not yourself and- Niall!" Niall froze and realized that his sleeve had come up. 

"I-" Zayn set down the letters and stepped forward, grabbing Niall's arm and pulling up the sleeves. 

He was crying. Why was he crying? He shouldn't mind that much. He didn't need Niall, after all. 

"Why, Niall?" he couldn't look Zayn in the eyes. His face seemed...anguished. 

"You wouldn't understand."

"Try me. Please, Niall! You've been down and so critical of yourself and I was scared, and then you cut and now there are these letters and-" the blood drained from Zayn's face. 

His eyes had landed on the letters in Niall's hands and he must have pieced it together. Niall wanted to die now. He didn't care how.

"No...you weren't- you aren't..."

That did it. The letters fell from Niall's hands and fluttered downward as he sank to the floor. The bottle of pills dropped, seeming to crash down as Zayn watched. 

Niall was broken. There was no way he could live now, but Zayn would never let him kill himself.

Zayn was shaking as he knelt by him and pulled him close. Niall closed his eyes, tears trapped beneath his eyelids.

He had to do it before Zayn figured out. He reached into his pocket and pulled out the razor, his other arm around Zayn as the older boy sobbed into his shoulder.  
There was no sound as he reached around and slid the razor up his sleeve, over his arm and through his skin. Again and again he slit as Zayn cried, unaware that Niall was doing it while he held him close.

It seemed like that fates hated him, though, when the razor fell out of his reach. There weren't near enough slits to kill him. He reached down and grasped the razor, but his wrist slid over Zayn's arm and blood smeared across Zayn's golden skin.

Zayn looked down, horror covering his face as he realized what Niall had been doing. 

"Niall!" He shoved the blonde back, prying the razor from his fingers and throwing it across the room. "Stop it!"

They sat there panting heavily, Zayn's arm across Niall's chest to pin him to the wall. As Niall looked up at Zayn's face, something struck him like lightning. 

The pain he saw couldn't be described. Zayn was hurting with him- hurting for him but also feeling his pain. And, in his eyes, Niall saw that Zayn needed him. 

The boy he loved needed him and...he'd almost thrown that away.

"You can't leave me." Zayn's voice sounded more broken than Niall had ever felt. He sounded lost, like he'd been stranded alone. "I need you, Niall." 

And Niall smiled. It spread across his face like a sunrise over a hill, lighting everything up as he pulled Zayn close this time, combing his fingers through the black hair as Zayn cried. 

He hadn't finished Zayn's letter, so he pulled back and thrust Louis and Harry's letter into the older boy's hands. Zayn dropped it like he'd been burned.

"I can't read that."

"Read it Zayn, you'll see..." Niall handed it back to him.

"I can't."

"Zayn, look at me." Pained gold met blue as Niall smiled down at Zayn. "It's gonna be okay. This will make you understand." Zayn finally nodded, looking down at the letter and unfolding it. His hand reached out and grasped Niall's as he read, as if he needed to touch Niall to know that he was alright. Niall felt warm all over. He'd been cold before, so cold, but he knew he was going to be okay.

Zayn dropped the letter, grasping Niall's hand in both of his. Their faces were almost touching now, Zayn's breath ghosting over Niall's cheek.

"Niall, it's not true."

"What?"

"I said it. I need you, Niall. And no one could be too perfect for you, I know that well."

"What do you mean?" Zayn's eyes were closer and Niall took a shaky breath.

"I, for one, could never be good enough for you." Zayn grasped Niall's chin and tilted the blonde's head, leaning in and capturing his lips with his own. Niall grasped Zayn's other hand as he kissed him back, entwining their fingers. It felt like Zayn was coursing through him, warmth pushing out the cold forever. He felt like he could do anything, be anything. And he felt like he need never be afraid again because this boy, the boy he loved, would always be there. 

And he needed Niall like Niall needed him. 

Zayn pulled away, eyes searching Niall's. He pulled up Niall's pale hand and kissed his knuckles, touching their foreheads together. 

They remained like that, spattered with dried blood and surrounded by notes that would never be read. The bottle of pills and the razor would later be disposed of.

Because they didn't need Niall and Niall no longer needed them. He had Zayn.

**Author's Note:**

> Yes, I am a dark person. Hope you enjoyed...
> 
> Zoe xx


End file.
